


The Lighthouse

by Charo_Charito



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lighthouses, Loneliness, M/M, Self-Destruction, Self-Discovery, You are not alone, and a lighthouse, and love eliott too, depressed elu, elu - Freeform, jiji maybe, like there is only two characters, love yourself, otteli?, soft like hell, this a very lonely fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:02:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23977162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charo_Charito/pseuds/Charo_Charito
Summary: "I hope the lighthouse guides my way," Lucas said to this young man who asked him why he was walking barefoot through the dunes at night."Mmm well, let me know when you find that. I'll buy you a beer." Lucas watched him, and just when the light illuminated them he saw something in his celestial eyes that he had not seen or felt for a long time.Peace.
Relationships: Eliott Demaury/Lucas Lallemant
Comments: 14
Kudos: 35





	1. Preface

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired in a picture I saw on Tumblr (not sorry but thankful) Lucas has depression and goes to his childhood beach house to try to give life a second chance. And well ... Someone very pretty is there.

**× The lighthouse ×**

> More than 10 years have passed since Lucas last visited the old vacation home he used to stay in as a child. It was a place full of good memories, a place of silence and peace, far from any problems with his father and the double life that so destroyed him and his mother.
> 
> Everything seemed so easy here, by the sea, by the great lighthouse.
> 
> Maybe that's the reason he came back in the first place, or maybe he just wanted to escape the real world, just for a moment. He wanted to find meaning in life, but Lucas never thought that his meaning in life would soon become a person. A person who would show him a very different side of life, a side he never thought existed.

× ♥ ×

Okay ... This is not how I planned ..."

All the furniture in the house was covered with white sheets. Added to that, the closed windows created a rather anti-everything environment. He sighed at the future that was coming. Clean, tidy up, and a lot of sneezing. He looked up, not even stepping on one of the steps of the stairs that made a turn in a large window. He remembered that the rooms were there, his and his parents'.

He continued walking to the back of the house where a guest room was located and there he left the two bags and a backpack full of painkillers, blank notebooks, and pens. It was not that he planned to commit suicide or something but he felt that it was what he had to take to the last place where you would give life a chance.

The room lit up out of nowhere, or perhaps from a place he knew, and all the memories of his childhood appeared in his mind. They were never able to sell the house for that reason. The lighthouse always illuminated her. Despite its spectacular view of the ocean for being located at a consistent height above the dunes. It was impossible to sleep if you were a city man.

He did not care much, he loved that as a child. He used to be afraid of the dark so his only comfort was knowing that the light would always come. He looked at the bed, which was simple and remembered almost laughing to himself that he had had his first time with an exchange boy there. The pseudo summer relationship had been a disaster but the adventure was worth it.

The room along with the kitchen was the only clean place in the house. A landlord had been staying while his mother was hospitalized. Now that she was no longer among the living, nobody wanted to take over and supposedly he would be the one to sell it, but he couldn't do that.

The pain in his chest showed up but he didn't let it take over his emotions. He opened the window and let in the gentle sea wind along with its perfume of salt and sand. He needed to step on the sand. It was an urgent need that made his body move and without thinking he went out to cross the dunes to get closer and listen to the waves break in the night. No matter the moment the darkness, the moon, and the lighthouse would always be there.

"I thought I saw the lights on."

"The motherfuckin '..." Lucas released as he spun fast at whatever was talking to him in the middle of the night, his heart racing so much that he felt alive again.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." The tall, pale boy dressed in a flowery shirt immediately raised his hands, showing him that he had no knife or weapon. "I am a local and I always wondered if the owners of that house existed, there was an old woman who was somewhat strange, she used to go out naked to bathe in the sea, there are many myths."

"What was going to what?" Clearly there were many things that Lucas did not know about his mother and his illness, spending all day studying and working had distanced him so much from his family and everything that happened.

"Are you the new landlord?" Asked the boy. "You look a little young for the job"

"No, I'm the son of the weird woman," Lucas said a little annoyed.

"Shouldn't you be naked then?" He gave a funny laugh and when Lucas didn't laugh he added: "I'm Eliott. I loved that woman, I didn't want to be disrespectful."

"Lucas." He answered curtly.

"Okay Lucas, and .. what are you doing here?"

"I came to ..." Lucas looked at the house from afar, it was so gloomy but beautiful for him, who would understand that, what it meant to him. So many lies.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. Only, it's weird, your situation" He said pointing at it.

"I hope the lighthouse guides my way," Lucas said to this young man who asked him why he was walking barefoot through the dunes at night.

"Mmm well, let me know when you find that. I'll buy you a beer." Lucas watched him, and just when the light illuminated them he saw something in his celestial eyes that he had not seen or felt for a long time.

Peace.

"Okay…" He stammered.

"I let you go on with your… walk." Eliott started walking backwards. "Too bad you didn't inherit what your mom did, it would have been nice to meet you differently." A mischievous smile covered his entire face up to his eyes. Could you smile with your eyes?

"What the hell ..." He told himself.

All very rare.

× ♥ ×


	2. First week

In an act of sheer manhood and courage, Lucas decided to step forward and do what must be done. Clean. The reality was that he wanted to lie on the couch by the window, and he couldn't because of all the dust and sheets that covered everything. It was the only thing that cleaned two meters away but he felt that he cleaned the whole house. Lucas's plans were clear to him, but he felt that the walls of the old house were watching him in every corner and that if he paid enough attention, the antique furniture seemed to laugh under the covers. Sure, the wind moved them, but he felt that way, judged.

Lucas considered spending the first week allowing himself to feel all the guilt, he cried when his chest asked him and his eyes did not allow him to see full of tears. He didn't let his throat contain any screams and if he wanted to, he just did it. Who was going to say something to him? Just thinking how many times his mom had been that way made him want to break everything and maybe who knows, that would happen after all.

The first night Lucas drank a quarter bottle of vodka along with some fries, screamed and cried himself to sleep; The next day was spent staring at the ocean with a cloudy and stormy sky above, but that storm never made it to shore. Lucas looked from time to time at his notebook and his white sheets with words and doodles, smoking some armed cigarettes until nightfall caught up with him and he repeated the same thing. The second night he drank a little more than the first, but since he had nothing to accompany his alcohol, it affected him a little more and he fell asleep without realizing it.

When dawn came on the third day, he felt like he was dying. Lucas had to eat something but a small detail, there was no food in the house, no fresh bread or cookies, he had to go out and buy something if he wanted to survive for a while longer, at least until he finished writing what he wanted to write, and for what he had gone to that place.  Lucas tried to shower but there was no hot water, so he washed in parts and bitched high.  A bland white shirt, jeans that used to be tight, the windbreaker, and of course, black glasses, a priority for those who did not want to attract much attention. The keys to his motorcycle were in the same place that he had left them as soon as he arrived, he set off and drove at his own risk, with the helmet on his elbow.

He arrived at the center of the town after several braking to avoid hitting the dunes. He decided to walk so as not to run over anyone, leaving his baby tied, when Lucas raised his head he noticed that no one in town did that but, he did not want to be the first. What was he going to do if his partner was robbed?

The first place he visited was the pharmacy, which despite being a town, had more things than any drugstore, perfumery, cleaning supplies, and what else? He got his favorite caffeinated pills for his headache and also a toothbrush with toothpaste. He had forgotten when he ran away from his previous home. He looked around. Okay, maybe I needed a lot more things. A Shampoo, a soap, a sponge, a large and small towel, a very nice first aid kit. Candles? Of course, you never know if you will have electricity, the coast was like this, any wind would go out. So a few packages of candles.

He left after paying without looking at anyone. His dark glasses save him from questions, and his glued lips without a smile or gossip gave the exact impression he wanted. Do not bother me.

Lucas walked to the bike and put everything he had just bought under the seat, he looked up at the place. It was so ... provincial. He took out a pill and put it in his pocket, he was going to take it now. He walked to what seemed to be a cafeteria and asked for a coffee to go but… They didn't have those, clearly, so he had to stay there and have it at one of the tables.

From there, he could see the place much more clearly. Lucas wondered how many times his mom had had a drink in that place, bought in the pharmacy, in the warehouse, in the pasta house, in the bakery… The lump in his throat marked the time to return home. His house ... theirs.

He left the place and started walking. What was he doing? It was a question that kept repeating itself in his head with every step he took. Lucas stopped at a window in which he reflected noting that he was disheveled, he smiled to himself bitterly, his mother would be very upset if she saw how he goes out on the street now, people would think he was a tramp. He brought his hand up and with his fingers pulled his hair back. A woman greeted him from the inside and gestured to let him know he looked much better. Shit.

Lucas walked lightly after that meeting and went straight to the supermarket. He took a cart and started putting things in: noodles, noodles, and noodles. Sauces of all flavors and butter just in case. Cheese to grate and of course, a grater too. When he went through the sector of things that shouldn't exist, he bought 10 cans of potato chips and, just in case, peanuts, several bags of peanuts. He passed by the liquor sector and smiled to himself. Vodka, tequila, citrus-flavored vodka, whiskey, apple liqueur, coffee liqueur. A lady passed by him and greeted him with sadness in her eyes. What did she know that he did not know?

He went to the cash register and put everything in bags without removing his glasses at any time, pay and greet the cashier. Suddenly Lucas stopped and noticed his stupidity. Where the hell was he going to put everything he just bought? He walked with the cart to the motorcycle, dropped onto the sidewalk cord, taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes. His mind was thinking of taking several trips, leaving someone the bags, and going and coming back. Perhaps the lady who greeted him from the window.

While he was with his mind at a thousand an hour, thinking about how to get out of that idiotic moment he was living in, a truck stopped next to him. He dropped his hands and looked at the dark-haired woman who was looking at him tenderly.

"You need help? Lallemant's son, right?" Lucas didn't answer "I knew your mom, I'm your next-door neighbor."

"Oh ..." Lucas stood up and looked at his truck. "Could you help me? I got excited buying and now I don't know how to carry it" He tried to laugh but the noise was more depressing than any other sound.

"Sure baby, that's why I came, the girl from the supermarket warned me." Of course, Lucas looked down at the floor, he hated this town. "Don't feel bad honey, I'm so glad you're here, we don't want anyone to sell that house." The woman got out and started taking bags, leaving them behind. "You follow me?" She said as she got into the truck.

Lucas followed the woman until she stopped in front of his house. He left the bike on the porch in case it rained, without noticing it the woman was already entering the bags. Did the world have a different time? Wasn't it that the townspeople were slow?

"Sorry I didn't have time to order yet," Lucas said noticing that the woman was leaving the house and looking for other bags that Lucas took out of her hands. "Thanks for helping me, I can do it."

"Oh well, it's fine." The woman looked inside the house and then at him "Don't you want to come to dinner tonight? My son cooks, at least it's homemade food. Do you like lasagna?"

"I'm really fine. I already bought food. Thanks." If Lucas could he would kick her out but she had helped him so he couldn't do it. At least not today, but he knew that the rumor would spread throughout the town, he hadn't cleaned the house after three days and he still smelled bad enough.

"Well, food is a saying ..." The woman smiled at him and looked at him, just holding the bags with liquor bottles. "When you need something, don't hesitate. We are always available, like with your mother. We are always present, yes?"

(Like when they found her dead three days after committing suicide) Lucas thought, but better added "Thanks, I'll keep that in mind, have a good day." And he turned on his heel into the house, locking the door behind him.

* * *

Once he finished putting away everything he had bought, he sat at the kitchen table, smoking silently and staring blankly. He took his notebook and began to write, single but important words for him.

_“The idea torments me, it afflicts me to think that your frozen body, full of despair, flinched at your last breath and stayed there. In peace or already out of all measurable range. I wonder if you thought of me when you were leaving this world if it ever even occurred to you to say goodbye. ”_

Lucas stopped when a drop stained the notebook, a tear. His mother had left rehabilitation and after two months, she went to the house that Lucas now occupied with the pretext of “doing paperwork” but that was never the real idea. Two weeks after she traveled to the coast, Lucas received the worst call of all. His mom had left him.

The blow of his loss was hard for Lucas, he left his partner Chloe, his university studies, his friends, everything stopped making sense for Lucas. The world he lived in had been completely shattered. He had tried with all his energy to be normal, even dating a girl like his father always recommended.

Lucas looked out the window into the darkness of the sea and laughed bitterly. His father had promised to take care of him while his mother was hospitalized and he finished high school, he always wondered what would have become of his world if his father had left with the other family? "Alone and free," he said out loud, "like you mama."

He got up and went to the guest room next to the kitchen, where he was sleeping. Lucas took off his clothes, putting on a long and wide T-shirt that he had purposely bought to wear as pajamas. Lucas was one of those who did those strange things, he settled under the covers and gave himself up to sleep, without alarms, without commitments, without caring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and like always, please tell me if there is any mistake in the translation.  
> You can find me on Tumblr: @ Tooyoungtobefaithless or in IG: @ Tiramisuconletras


	3. Tres

The sound of the ocean was real, her mother's hand holding her little hand was real, but the context wasn't. Lucas watched her from the height of a child no more than 8 years old, with eyes the same color as the sea. His mom wasn't smiling, her gaze was lost and he didn't know what to do. He thought she was like that, he thought she was mysterious, intellectual, intelligent, and not what they told him she was, a lost, depressed, and emotionless woman.

"Lucas?" Their golden lashes met and entwined like his mother's hands and his. He didn't want to release her any more than he wanted to wake up. "Lucas?" The voice was strong and of a man, he moved his hand to draw the blanket over his head, leaving only part of his face free to breathe. "Hey, Lucas? I know you're awake I saw you move."

"I don't know who you are, go away."

"Is this how you defend yourself?" The boy had a young laugh, he laughed very amused and at the same time relieved by the answer. "What if I have a gun?"

"What are you going to steal? Old furniture?"

"I don't know, you have a lot of bottles of alcohol in there, I can be a dangerous alcoholic looking for alcohol and I enter houses to rob and harass pretty boys."

Lucas opened his eyes and looked at Eliott, the boy who had spoken to him in the middle of the night and said not very kind words about his mom.

"What?" Eliott looked at him as if searching for something in his eyes. Did he have something on his face? Maybe the brand of the pillow. "Do you need anything? I don't have sugar to ..."

"No, it is not sugar." He replied amused. "My mom told me you were coming to dinner so I made dinner and… You didn't come."

"Your mom?" Lucas wiped his eyes. "This is so small-town."

"Yes, but don't worry I saved you a bit and brought it to you."

"But what a joy!" Lucas spread his arms and watched him, Eliott was leaning against the wall watching him. "I see you very comfortable at the door of my room. It's haunting. Are you always like this?"

"You don't even know what time it is, do you?" Lucas answers him with a very friendly face of - I'm not interested - what Eliott smiles and with some pity, he looks out the window. "That orange light is sunset and the dinner I brought you is from yesterday. Isn't it strange to sleep for so long?"

"Eliott, I'm not interested."

The young man's gaze lit up and he smiled upon hearing his name from the mouth who seemed to ignore the world and woke up so bitterly. "I'm going to heat your food. Pretend I'm your therapeutic companion" He turned on his heel and went back to the kitchen.

Lucas stared at the ceiling while he listened to the noise the boy who broke into his house was making as if it were his. He wasn't upset about it, he wasn't angry about someone getting into his life, it didn't seem strange to him that a boy he didn't know would come in to cook dinner for him. It bothered him not to feel those things. Had he lost the ability to feel interested?

"Lucas?"

"What."

Eliott leaned out and watched him for a few seconds. "Don't you have gas service?"

"No."

"That explains several things ..." Lucas raised an eyebrow at the comment and then he was gone. Eliott had left the house and that brought peace again. He rolled over in bed and settled back to sleep.

This time in the dream his mother was in the kitchen, he saw her happy and sang while she cooked. The aroma was delicious, a very spicy sauce and it made his stomach clench with hunger. Lucas felt warmer and kicked the blanket to his feet. The room was no longer as cold as the sea. The house felt different. Even with more light. He looked into the kitchen and there seemed to be Eliott, still cooking. He took a huge sweater he had to go to the bathroom and put it on, got up, and walked around while he adjusted his slippers. When he went into the kitchen he noticed that the table was set for two and that he had even made juice for both of them. Lucas dropped into the chair and it creaked, scaring Eliott.

"Shit, you scared me." The young man released and turned excitedly.

"How do you get scared in someone else's house because the owner sits in his kitchen, in his chair?" Eliott looked as if he was about to laugh. "I don't know if you knew but your joy so... Notorious... It's very annoying."

"Sorry is that ... You look like a very old man from a shelter. Even with the face of I don't want friends." An unkind comment for Lucas, who didn't want to talk about friends or old men or anything. The diver belonged to his grandfather and he greatly admired him.

"Yeah well ... And the food?"

"I'll serve you old man, calm down." Lucas ignored the comment as he poured the juice into both glasses, Eliott watched him wondering if he knew his actions were inconsistent with his comments.

Lucas looked at the cannelloni in front of him. They looked so delicious, fluffy, and full of… Was it love? He wondered how long Eliott had been standing around making the pancake batter, filling, and homemade sauce. Lucas looked up and saw that Eliott was smiling at him. "You're starting to scare me"

"That would be a breakthrough. Do you want to pray or something?" Eliott asked honestly.

Lucas laughed incredulously "And ask what?"

"Ask? Not everything is asking in life, sometimes you can, I don't know, thank ..."

"Mmmm" Lucas pressed his lips, he did not want to offend the person who had cooked him with such affection without even knowing him. He had nothing to be thankful for or ask for but he didn't want to be like his father. "Well let me think" Eliott closed his eyes thinking about something too. "I am grateful that this strange creature has forced himself into my house, fixed my gas, and made a very, apparently, delicious meal."

"And now you can take a bath," Eliott added.

"And now I can take a bath," Lucas said with a laugh.

"I'm going to thank that and ask for something"

"What?" Lucas asked as he grabbed the silverware and settled into the chair.

"To see you smile more often."

Lucas observed him, why was the universe sending this being of so much light in this dark moment? If Lucas had met him before, maybe things would be different. Maybe who knows, it would be his friend or something else ...

Something more than that…

Lucas felt cold run down his back and made his hair stand on end.

Could be?

"Eli, is there no grated cheese?" He asks.

"No Lulu, and if I remember correctly, you don't like cheese"

"Yes, now I do."

Eliott looked at him in surprise and then took the bag that he had brought, "I think Mom gave me just in case." He took a bag and put it aside. Lucas took it with cold hands suddenly, but luckily they weren't trembling. "You're good?" he asked with doubt in his voice.

"Yes, it's just that ... I remembered who you are and now I'm in an internal conflict."

“It doesn't matter Lucas. We can talk about it another day. "

"Sorry I don't want to sound like shit." Guilt began to fill him, he knew that feeling perfectly. But it was so difficult, after all, Eliott was not that young, Lucas was three times the size of him at that time and his hair was always long.

"I don't feel that at all Lucas, really."

"It's that, I reminded you, I don't know ... different"

"Little?" Eliott said as he took a big mouthful of cannelloni. "With my hair down my shoulders?" Lucas gave a nervous laugh as he remembered how he adored someone being smaller than him. "Eat, we'll talk later."

And that's what Lucas did.

For a moment he forgot all the drama and concentrated on eating quietly; smelling himself and realizing that he really needed to bathe and for the first time since he decided to flee to the middle of nowhere to find peace with his mother.

He felt alive.


	4. Cuatro

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a hard translation, Dyango is a Spanish singer (Pimpinella are Argentinians) and I translated a song for this chapter. Is a very special one for me and obviously for Lucas. In the end, you'll find the explanation of the small talk about a song with the three singers (Pimpinella are two, a brother and a sister)

"What music do you like?" Lucas heard the question but not at the same time, he was so full from eating. Eliott had prepared a "digestive tea" for both of them and they decided to go out and have it on the deck overlooking the sea. "Do you listen to music?" He asked again.

"I'm not hearing much these days."

"I understand, and what music did your mother like?"

Lucas put down the cup and watched whoever machine-gunned him with questions, "Dyango"

"Yes?" Eliott said excitedly, “My mom too. What was her favorite song? My mom likes the Pimpinella too so she always listens to the songs they made together. "

"It's just that it's a funny story." Lucas smiled slightly, but Eliott did not.

"It's not funny. It's sad."

Lucas observed him "How is it sad?"

"Well, it's about a guy who betrays his best friend and steals his wife."

"Yes, but the woman later comes back with him and the idiot is left alone."

"Would you go back to someone who betrayed you?" The question dislodged Lucas who observed him with his drooping eyelashes, beginning to doubt the origin of the "tea"

"Well, no. Of course not." The words barely left his mouth.

"I like the new song "Traición" better. Did you hear it?"

"Eliott ... what was the tea made of?"

"Cannabis," Eliott says it with a naturalness that Lucas cannot understand. He remembers in his mind the first time he had tried that drug, he was only 14 years old and he had stolen it from his mother.

"Dude ..." Lucas starts to laugh, he doesn't even know why, maybe the idea of this stranger entering his house, feeding him, and now giving him drugs. "What's your fucking problem?" He couldn't even be serious. Was he angry or ...?

"Lucas is okay, it's a digestive tea and it will do you good."

"IT WILL DO YOU GOOD"

Lucas stood up while repeating “GOOD GOOD GOOD” and began to take off his clothes, he had an urgent need to feel the sea breeze caress his skin. Lucas wanted to feel how his mother felt, after all, she used to do that, she smoked to avoid feeling and walked naked on the beach.

"Ok, I think someone should go inside ..." His neighbor stood next to him trying with his hands to stop the inevitable that Lucas would take off the last piece of clothing, his boxers. "Fuck .. I broke him." He ran to the room to find a blanket and run after "LUCAS!"

"I have seen your hair playing with the wind among the trees." Lucas begins to sing while running through the dunes, light rays of the sun trying to peek over the horizon "Suddenly a feeling takes over my mind" He makes gestures as if his mind is exploding and when he notices Eliott near him he points to him "and it's you” he pauses.

"The sun has risen by waning and the sea is watching you from the south." Eliott answers with his eyes, his fucking blue eyes looking at him with nothing but admiration, not a hint of rejection or anything, "I look at you and suddenly the horizon is as distant as you are." sings to him while wrapping him in the blanket.

"I look at you and suddenly the horizon is as distant as you," Lucas whispers feeling a swirl of emotions, that was her favorite song. His mother sang it all the time and Eliott understood why he felt that way and understood at the same time why Lucas couldn't sing the part that followed.

“Sweetheart, what have you done to my heart. Full moon heart, love song. " Eliott responds, hugging a Lucas who was beginning to let his full eyes shed tears down his cheeks, and in a whisper just for him he finished the verse of the song "Life has always been like this", he stroked Lucas's hair, leaving him a kiss on the temple "You go your way and I go for you, magic heart."

* * *

When Lucas opened his eyes he felt that they hurt, they felt swollen from having been crying for a long time. He was wearing pajamas and was wrapped in the blanket Eliott had put for him a few hours ago. He stared at the ceiling of the room waiting for the light from the lighthouse but it did not come. When the day was bright and without clouds or fog the lighthouse did not light up. Those stupid new light and humidity sensors.

Lucas prepared to get up and bathe, remembering that Eliott had reconnected the gas. Eliott. He put his hands to his face to cover the sudden shame he felt at everything that had happened the night before. "Always winning in life Lucas." He got up quickly, heading to the kitchen. Had he bought coffee? He did not remember it. He took one of the liquor bottles and while he was pouring himself a drink he said: "Well, I don't buy coffee but I do buy coffee liquor, something is something." He took it like it was water.

Everything was washed up to the tuppers. Fuck. The idiot left everything behind and now he would have to take them back. He didn't want to owe anyone anything or have any loose ends. He wanted to be "the kid" they found, like his mother, several days later. "The family tragedy repeats itself," Lucas said aloud and continued: "The newspaper cannot say 'A friend went to look for the tuppers the other day and found it' What a useless tragedy that the news was' Friend went to look for tuppers and found a body. '” Lucas began to laugh alone, again, speaking to himself.

He spun around and went to the room again. Lucas searched his small bag for some presentable clothing. Let's recalculate that Lucas went to that place to die. He did not have many presentable clothes for many days, he would have to do laundry day "What a waste of time" He huffed to himself when he found that feeling again "What are you doing? We did not come to make friends, you calm down "

Plural because he, his heart, and his mind were different things.

* * *

He didn't even dry his hair, he thought it would be normal for beach people to walk around with wet hair, and also, even if he wanted to, he didn't have a hairdryer. When he got to the door of the house his mind began to play not very pleasant passes; that Eliott might not be there, what if his mom opened the door? What was he going to say to the idiot who didn't even realize that her neighbor was dead?

"Lucas! How nice to see you. How are you? " Said a woman with the watering can in his hand and a flowered white dress.

Of course, the mother was going to be there, the idiot. "Mrs. Demaury. I wanted to thank you for the food yesterday. I brought you the Tupperware, Eliott forgot. "

The woman looked at him through wide black glasses from a European brand and smiled. "Yes, I'm sure he forgot it"

"Well, I'll leave it here" Lucas bent down and put it on the floor. "I have to do things downtown, have a good day."

"It's two in the afternoon," the woman pointed out.

"The day is in diapers," Lucas replied, already moving away from that situation that he did not want to be part of. His chest was already bothering him. He needed alcohol, coffee, and painkillers. Self-destructive things. He couldn't allow himself to feel, not now.

His chest ached more and more, with every step he took and had to, his body forced him. He turned and looked up to where Eliott's room must have been.

And there he was, watching him while he smoked. In shorts and without a shirt.

"What the fuck are you looking at?" he said aloud. In any case, it was not going to be understood at such a distance and with the wind drowning out all possible sound.

Eliott laughed exaggeratedly and went back into the room closing the window that was one of those annoying glasses that reflected and did not allow to see inside.

Lucas's heart raced just seeing him, he wanted to hear that laugh and in his mind, he heard it because he knew what it sounded like. He knew it because he had heard it before.

"I hate this place," he whispered, kicking the sand on his way home.

He was definitely going to go out riding his motorcycle and make noise with the exhaust pipe at nap time. Lucas had to go get coffee and cookies. Not that he was extending his stay in the world of the living, it was logical.

**×**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! So, Elu is talking about a song called "Ese hombre" (That man) - https://youtu.be/2AM7bAUS4b0 - is the story of two-man talking about how one man has still his woman OMG! So he begs him to convinced her to come back to him. THE THING is.... That man is actually.... YES. His best friend. And at the end, he says "That man is me" and OOOHHH the drama is so amazing LOL anyways... I love that story. BTW there is a second part of that song called "Por ese hombre" (For that man) - https://youtu.be/GuN0x4onjxY - and GUEST WHAT, the woman comes back to her first love AFTER SIX YEARS and the EX best friend asks the poor dude from the first song his help, AND YES at the end he says to him "I'm with her now" OMG I LOVE THIS STORIES. 
> 
> The other song "Traicion" is a song (From Pimpinella) about a woman that thinks that her husband is cheating on her with the wife of his best friend BUT the truth is... He is in fact cheating but, with HIS best friend, not the wife. In this example, I think Eliott is clearly setting the mood.


	5. Cinco

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING.
> 
> Possibly sensitive content.
> 
> Lucas is not in a good mental place.

The brunette. Virginia. Cabrales. Bonafide. Interestingly, the last one was called "Sensations" which made Lucas smile, who tilted his head slightly to see the options.

"Soft or intense" Lucas took a deep breath looking to the sides. He was almost talking to himself out loud again, but there was no one in that sector. "Well, this can be very philosophical." Lucas took both bags looking at them with extreme seriousness. "Strong as the amount of alcohol I intend to drink or smooth as ..." Eliott's hands over his hair.

He looked around. Did he say it out loud or did he think it? Sometimes he forgot that little detail. His cheeks felt hot. He put down the "soft" bag and started walking with the "intense" bag through the supermarket.

"Don't do this to me now" He said to himself as he went to the cashier's area. "Not now, not now, not now." His chest was about to explode out of nowhere at the memory of Eliott holding him and whispering the song in his ear.

He turned when in the corner of his eye he stepped on a door and got in without paying attention to the sign that said "Personal Only" but who cares about respecting those things when you are about to have a panic attack in a public place, or rather in a town full of mobs.

He dropped the bag after a few steps and threw himself on the floor between boxes, his back touching the cold wall and with a hand on his chest trying to catch the air that did not want to enter his lungs. He could hear himself breathing loudly. Someone was going to listen to him and he couldn't afford that, but the anxiety of knowing someone could hear him made him worse and he lost his vision.

"Nonono not now." Black. Everything was black.

He felt a hand on his chest and a voice that said "Lucas, Lucas breathe with me, you are pale, do you hear me?"

It was no longer cold, he felt the heat on his back and a movement that his chest followed slightly, as if someone was forcibly breathing exaggeratedly behind him. The air began to enter and the colors took over the darkness.

“I thought of going to visit you when I found out you were here and I see you like this in my work in this way. I think nothing changed huh ... ”The hand from his chest went to his forehead, running the sweaty hair, Lucas couldn't speak. "Everything will be fine.."

He doesn't remember how long he was in that position, but he did need water. He tried to move but the hands that held him whispered "What do you need?" and Lucas babbling "Water"

The heat was gone, and the cold in the wall woke him up and made him aware of where he was again. In the fucking warehouse of the supermarket, the boy who had contained him in his crisis brought him a bottle of water with a straw as if he were an old man in an acyl, and no matter how cute the gesture, it bothered him that they were like that with him. Couldn't they just slap him as his father did?

He took three gulps of water and walked away. "Your happy birthday face doesn't change anymore," he blurted out after being on the floor for half an hour.

"I would tell you, don't be so bitter, but hey, you're Lucas"

"Fuck you, David," Lucas said this time smiling.

"You know, for a guy living on a beach you're really pale"

"It's genetic purity, it can't be stained, can't fight it"

“Wow… Nazi jokes? How strong."

"Illiterate villager."

"Classist citizen."

They both kept their lips together to keep from laughing but inevitably they did and the boy with blond hair and perfect tan helped him up. They stared somewhat uncomfortably at the situation. Lucas looked at the coffee bag and reached over to grab it.

"Hey, don't bend over."

"Jesus, I am not incapacitated."

"Lucas, I didn't say that ..."

"David, I appreciate your help but I really have to go."

"Don't disappear like this .. Can I come to see you later?"

"Aren't you married or something?"

"Something like that ..." David looked at the floor and then scratched his head "I have two kids."

"You see?" Lucas raised his hands. "We better leave it there." The boy looked at him in a way that Lucas recognized, of course, it was very similar to how they looked at each other when they were children, and things passed for looks like that. They were boys. An important point Lucas thought.

The boy looked at him in a way that Lucas recognized, of course, it was very similar to how they looked when they were kids, and things happened because of looks like that. They were boys. An important point Lucas thought.

As he turned to go out and through the door, he found Eliott entering with empty boxes in both hands and a "What the hell are you doing here?" Face.

"Fucking villagers," Lucas said without hearing Eliott calling him, he walked quickly to the cash registers and threw some bills without even taking the change of candy, he had to get out of that place fast.

When he arrived, he left the motorcycle in the back of the house, he didn't even want to go through the front anymore, with the sheets still covering the furniture; he was living in the back anyway, between the kitchen, the guest room, and the downstairs bathroom.

He made his coffee with anger, hitting everything, and whoring loudly. Lucas understood, today he was going to do it. Today was the day. He couldn't stand all that shit about being alive anymore. "I don't give a damn," he said to someone who, according to him, was whispering not to do it.

Okay, maybe he was losing his mind a bit.

* * *

The moon shone on the sea in the form of small sparkles that matched the stars that suspiciously sought to illuminate more strongly on a starry and calm night, without clouds and with a slight semi-cold breeze. The landscape was like a divine gift; the headlight illuminated his face every time he completed a lap, generating a reaction in his pupils, a reaction that stopped occurring once the effect of the pills took control of his nervous system.

He could feel his heart slowing down with every minute that passed, the coffee liquor bottle empty ... His mother's pill tablet empty ... His mind blank.

His blue eyes began to disappear behind heavy lids that covered them without asking for permission. He could still see the powerful flashlight of the lighthouse coming and going. Lucas waited. It took at least 40 seconds to turn. He knew inside, like an automatic watch. Since he was little he played that game with his mother, to seek calm in waiting, in patience.

His mom had taught him.

It began to be difficult to breathe but this time it was not being a panic attack.

Lucas's mind began to bring up questions. Why hadn't his mom done this when she killed herself? She hadn't been trying to find calm, to find something that would make her stay. Why did she give up? He was suddenly scared, a fear of death filled him with life, his heart was awakened. Beating hard and pumping blood throughout the body, warmblood full of life.

Impotence.

He swallowed hard.

It was difficult for him to open his eyes but he managed to do so.

Celestial as deep and dark as the ocean.

He tried to reach for his cell phone on the chair next to his and fell to the floor. He had no strength, he could not move his legs and unintentionally tears filled with helplessness and despair rolled down his cold cheeks.

He reached for the cell phone and dialed 911.

"I don't want to die, I don't want to die, mom"

Lucas's mind led him to think of Eliott. What would Eliott think if he saw him like this? I didn't even look at him when he hit him at the grocery store.

He wants to talk to Eliott. He wants to go out with Eliott. Lucas wants to hear him smile; he wants to know what it feels like to have his hand in his and interlock their fingers. He wants to play the piano for him. He wants to dance Dyango with him.

He smiled when he heard an ambulance in the distance mixing with the sound of the ocean; the colored lights began to occupy the darkness, showing that they were close and the light from the lighthouse was beautiful guiding them.

"Dancing Dyango with him, what an idiot," he said out loud.


	6. Seis (Eliott POV)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is Eliott point of view because I wanted to show you'll how he feels ♥

Drawing was one of Eliott's great passions and the truth is that this passion may have turned into an obsession. Particularly with Lucas, his neighbor from three long weeks ago.

Eliott had a white 80-sheet sketch pad. He had drawn 12 leaves with his blue eyes and nose only, another 12 with his brown hair disheveled in the wind or ruffled from sleeping; he loved to draw it from the back, especially his moles, he had memorized them the day he first saw him go into the sea as a teenager. When he dressed Lucas the night of the incident he remembered each one of them, his moles, with the tips of his fingers, Lucas stopped crying when he caressed him like that. He was completely drugged because of him and Eliott knew that maybe he shouldn't give him that tea, but at the same time he knew what Lucas needed at that specific moment.

"Knowing me, knowing you (a-ha)" Eliott yelled when the ABBA song entered the chorus part "There is nothing we can do, knowing me, knowing you (a-ha)" he squeezed the pencil to generate pressure, and then he softened it when what he was doing required it “We just have to face it, this time we're through. Breaking up is never easy, I know, but I have to go" Eliott looked up to see the wide and imposing sea from his window "Knowing me, knowing you, It's the best I can do."

When he looked down he noticed that he had again drawn Lucas naked. He blushed. It was the first time Eliott had drawn him head-on. He may have looked at more than the moles on his back... In the drawing, you could see Lucas lying on the blanket with which he had wrapped him in his crisis, but this was not that part of the story, but when he took him to the room and dressed him, laying him on his bed earlier while looking for clothes and noticing how little he had taken to the trip. Lucas was watching him in the drawing, he was looking at him while he drew it, he had his hand extended towards him. He invited him to be with him and Eliott just watched him...

He snapped the sketchbook shut when he heard his mom open the door.

"Eliott, I think something's going on at Lucas's house."

Eliott turned his entire body as he stood up, "Something like what?"

"I don't want you to be scared baby but ... There is an ambulance at the door."

The deepest feeling that the human learns to feel in his life is the emptiness that creates the loss of a loved one and Eliott did not know that feeling. What he does know is losing himself to his illness, in his manic and depressive crises; he knew the loss of his special pencils when he forgot them in the places where he went to draw. Isabel Allende, his mother's favorite writer, said "We come to this world to lose what we love the most." and Eliott had never understood it until then, were in his mind Lucas was no longer among the living.

He ran with his mind completely blank and his heart in his hands. His legs carried him as best they could, wandering with each step, Eliott stumbled twice in the sand running on the way to Lucas's house. He was an expert in long walks on the beach and running on the sand to train, he learned to walk on it, but at that moment all function was canceled, there was no coherence with the universe, only fights.

When he got to Lucas's house, the door was wide open. Inside there were two doctors who were talking on a cell phone, he felt a strange smell that became stronger as he got closer, it seemed like vomit and alcohol. Like the bathrooms in the city's nightclubs. She heard Lucas's voice and all of his senses reconnected; one of the doctors put his hand on his chest. "Eliott, it's not right for you to be here, why don't you go home?"

Eliott looked at the doctor. He was the same one who had helped him when he found Lucas's mother dead in that house. He knew how bad that did him and he didn't want Eliott to go through the same thing. He knew he was taking care of him but at the same time, he couldn't leave Lucas alone. Not in that terrible moment for him.

"I don't know ..." he heard Lucas say.

"Lucas, I need to know, I can't help you if you don't tell me."

"What do they have to know?" Eliott said poking his head between the doctor who was stopping him and the door that he had not yet dared to cross.

"The pills he took .."

Eliott began searching the kitchen, found all kinds of bottles of alcohol, and several were half consumed. He felt pain not noticing, not being with him that night when he knew that Lucas had had a panic attack in the supermarket, David had told him but he hated that guy so much that he felt that he was surely lying.

He hated that idiot for being with Lucas when they were young. For having told everyone that Lucas was gay to get rid of the rumors that ran through town when Lucas left. Right away he hooked up with a girl and married her. Surely he was not happy.

His eyes caught on a pill tablet and he held it up, he couldn't even say out loud what it was. The doctor took the tablet from Eliott's hands and took it to the other doctor, on the porch where Lucas was, it was there when he noticed that he had not seen his neighbor yet. Sounds were heard indicating that he was being put on the stretcher.

"Where are they going to take him?" He watched him go by covered in blankets, pale and wide-eyed.

“To the clinic, the hospital is very far. We are going to leave him for observation there at least tonight... Are you coming? "

"Yes," He followed them to the ambulance concentrated, so concentrated that Eliott was startled when someone grabbed his arm. When he turned it was his mother who had his jacket in one hand and his backpack in another.

“I put a bottle of water and cookies in your backpack, and also your notebook with some pencils, it's going to be a long night. I put a blanket just in case of her… ”nor did her mother finish saying that she hugged her and left a kiss on her cheek. Eliott loved his mom in a very strong way. Despite everything she had to live with and his mental illness, she was always with him; she never judged him when in his mania he went running naked on the beach or when he almost drowned in a depressive episode. She would never leave him, not like his dad. She loved him unconditionally.

He got into the ambulance and sat across from Lucas without taking his eyes off his face. Eliott couldn't stop thinking about a thousand things. What was Lucas feeling? Why had he done it? Why did he look so pale if he lived on the beach? He wondered if he had eaten anything in that time other than what he had cooked for him. Eliott took his hand as the doctor put the serum on Lucas.

He noticed something at that moment, Lucas looked so ... At peace.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas to my few readers. Love you all ♥


	7. Siete

His skin prickled from the contact with the cold breeze that brought the sea, the darkness did not allow him to see much, there was no moon and hardly any stars in the black sky, the sand was cold and that froze his feet. Lucas looked at his hands and they were adults. Was he dreaming? When he looked up his mom was standing in front of him. Lucas fell backward in shock, his voice did not come out, it was as if there were no sounds, not even the sound of the waves hitting the shore was heard.

His mother bent down to see him, her eyes were sad but there was no other expression, it was as if he were an angel. In a long white nightgown and her feet stained up to her ankles with sand from so much walking. She extended her hand towards him and Lucas understood that she might be going to help him up but no, her mother pulled her arm away from her and came back with force, clashing her hand against Lucas's face.

The pain and momentum of the blow made him flip to the ground.

Lucas felt that the sand was sucking him up and that, trying to breathe, he was swallowing it; the air didn't pass but then he understood when his eyes widened that everything was the other way around.

Lucas had in front of him a hose that the doctor had removed from his throat, he could hear someone calling him but when he noticed his face, he stopped.

Things happened and he knows it.

He remembers Eliott's face.

Was he with him?

Lucas opened his eyes again. When had he fallen asleep again? He wondered himself, little aware of the times that were being managed around him. This time he was calmer, he was lying in a hospital bed or something like that; with his fingers, Lucas wrung out the hard sheets typical of cheap clinics. He knew them. The gesture made his hand hurt, he had something injected into it, he looked up, nothing to the left, he turned his face to the right, and there they were two bags.

“Its serum and some mild painkillers. You were dehydrated and the painkillers thing, well, I suggested that ... ”Eliott spoke from a chair by the window.

Lucas watched him carefully, glad to be in the dark he could see Eliott better, he was disheveled and you could see that he had tired eyes. The window was barely open so the sun wouldn't bother Lucas, but Eliott was apparently drawing. Lucas wondered if he knew that about him.

"I... "

“You can't talk, well yes, but I don't recommend it. The doctors said that when you do a stomach wash you have everything ... "Eliott made some gestures of pain. "All sensitive"

Lucas did not speak, but he had many things to say. He looked toward the door.

“The doctor has to come but he is late, he is helping the vet with surgery on a dog that had an accident, fell off a balcony and injured his hip, all very terrible, there are almost three families waiting. It is an urgent matter. "

Lucas began to laugh at how small-town everything sounded and the cough won over him, making him hurt more than he thought it would hurt.

"Lucas!" The doctor came in with a coffee and some papers. "Didn't Eliott tell you you can't talk?"

"Yes, he told me" Pain and more coughing.

"I told him but hey, it's Lucas," Eliott replied, standing up and walking over to the bed.

The doctor looked at the bag carefully, tapping the dropper, took a deep breath, and spoke: “Well Lucas, when this is finished in about ten minutes I think you can go now, but not home. I called a psychiatrist friend and he told me that you can't be alone so you're going to go to Eliott's house, Mrs. Demaury promised me that she will make you good protein meals so that you can recover. "

"Nerd…"

"Yes Yes." Eliott said, "And you don't bother at all, so save it."

"What Eliott said." The doctor took Lucas's hand and massaged where the injection was stuck. “My friend promised to come after Christmas, and I'm not going to accept that you don't go, Lucas. I don't want a dead young man in my dear Claromecó. Enough we had already ... No more tragedies, yes? "

Lucas wanted to argue with him, he wanted to tell him that it was just a mistake but in his mind, he felt that perhaps, whatever he said, his actions had spoken for him.

"How is the dog?" He managed to ask without coughing but in great pain.

The doctor furrowed his eyebrows and then looked at Eliott who was starting to laugh and immediately became serious, pressing his lips in a perfectly straight line. “Don't make me hesitate to send Lucas to your house. Behave."

"Sorry is that .."

“No Eliott, he is suffering. You know how he feels ... "

Why were they talking like he wasn't there with them? Lucas wondered as he listened to them. Was the story of the dog and the families a lie? As he thought, he noticed that his eyes were no longer open. The doctor had clearly rushed the emptying of the bags because he felt like sleeping.

"Yes, that's why I told him that."

"It's not the same ..." The doctor was silent for a few seconds and then spoke: "Take care of him. When Gladys comes, you can go calmly. Does your mother take them? "

"Yes, I already told her to come."

The silence was present in the room, Lucas thought that he had fallen asleep but then he heard Eliott sharpen a pencil. He opened his eyes and spoke without thinking "Are you drawing me?"

"Don't speak."

"You don't have to ..." He swallowed hard, it hurt badly. "Ask permission or something."

"No." Eliott finished putting his notebook in his backpack. "Do you want me to help you dress?" Lucas looked at him strangely. "With my clothes, because you don't have clothes, my mother brought me a pair of jeans yesterday that she sewed so that it won't be too long."

"What an idiot," Lucas said looking at the door, aware that a woman was about to enter but she didn't because she stopped to talk to another nurse who just crossed her path.

"Lucas, you don't have to be defensive, you can talk to me about anything. Well ... not now but when you feel better. "

The nurse entered the room as one who enters or walks through his house and surely it was. Nurses spent more time working in hospitals or clinics than in their own homes or with loved ones. She took Lucas's hand and with an agile movement removed the needle, squeezing in its place a piece of cotton that she taped on, the kind that doesn't come out with anything.

"Well Lucas, I'm tired of seeing you and I have no intention of seeing you again so you better not come back. Is that clear to you?" Lucas tried to answer but the nurse raised her hand and continued with her work, removing the bags and taking the lines he had used.

"How much?" Lucas asked when the nurse left.

"$200" _(Argentinien money)_

"What?" Lucas sat on the stretcher, he wanted to leave that place.

"The kilo of bread."

Lucas watched him, tempted to laugh "How long have I been here?" Lucas rephrased the question.

"Since when do you care or do you know what date it is?" Eliott said approaching him, helping him with his cold hands to lower his legs, he reached down and began to put his pants on.

"Why are you doing this?"

Eliott took Lucas's waist and pulled him towards him, causing him to step on the cold floor and stand up, he pulled up his pants, stroking with his fingers the edge between the fabric of his boxers and jean "Because I like you" he said with the voice soft as his caresses, he took the button between his fingers and closed it, closing the closure later. He did not take his eyes off Lucas who was watching him with his mouth half-open at the sudden statement.

He sat him back down in the same way that he helped him up, he bent down and began to put his slippers on, Lucas did not know what to say. He was suddenly stunned at everything. What could he say to him? What could he do?

Eliott got up and went to the backpack to find a T-shirt, Lucas took off his hospital gown and noticed that he was thinner than before, or maybe it was the first time he noticed his body as it really was. Eliott took his hands and lifted them, letting the shirt run down his body until it was tucked into his shorts, something completely unnecessary according to Lucas.

"Vamos?" said Eliott who was already wearing the backpack.

The walk to the car was difficult, Lucas felt numb and embarrassed. Eliott's mom opened the car door for him and he sat looking around. There was no one on the street. Eliott got in on the front side of the driver and Lucas felt a little bad that he wasn't sitting next to him.

"Lucas, do you want to eat something special?" Eliott's mom said a few minutes after driving the car with everyone quietly inside.

“Why you'll take this so normally? It bothers me, I tried to kill myself, there is nothing normal, it's not that I...” Lucas said without thinking suddenly but the pain did not allow him to continue speaking. He wanted to scream that they were all crazy as if he had had it inside him from the moment Eliott told him how he felt about him.

"Honey, this is not my first rodeo. Eliott has four tries, I know what to do... AH! " She suddenly exclaimed “You know what we are going to do? Ice cream."

"Yeah! It is the best for stomach lavages. That's why I love you, mom. " Eliott reached over and kissed his mom's cheek and then looked at Lucas with a huge smile.

"You will see, it is something healing"

Lucas wanted to yell at them that they were crazy but the thought that Eliott had been through what was happening to Lucas four times now made him stop that thought. He didn't want to look ungrateful.

"Okay," Lucas said and concentrated on looking out the window. He felt Eliott's gaze fixed on him, his heart racing at the thought of being watched and his cheeks and earshot as he realized that his feelings for Eliott were reciprocated.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and like always, please tell me if there is any mistake in the translation.  
> You can find me on Tumblr: @ Tooyoungtobefaithless or on IG: @ Tiramisuconletras


	8. Ocho

Waking up at Eliott's house had an extra for Lucas's head, he felt extreme guilt for putting them through that. He sat on the bed staring blankly and automatically massaged his hand, he didn't have a bruise or anything just hurt from the invasion of the needle. The room was simple and typical of one that receives the occasional guest from time to time. It had a hand-painted patterned ceiling fan and a lamp on each side of the large bed that matched those patterns, all planned.

Lucas still felt numb, the doubt was eating at him. How many days had he been in the hospital? He stood up and walked to the door, opened it, and stood there for a few long minutes. Strung up. His mind consumed him with questions.

How had he arrived at the room, or rather, Eliott's house? What day was it? Whose pajamas was he wearing? Christmas? What taste was the ice cream? He didn't even remember eating it. Lucas brought his hand up to rub his eyes when he heard the sound of the tv coming from downstairs. He walked up to the ladder and lowered it slowly, with extreme slowness.

"Sleeping Beauty." Said Eliott's mother who was sitting preparing some homemade cookies while she watched TV.

"Hello ..." she said in a husky, low voice.

"Do you want some mates?"

"The dough is going to soften ..."

Eliott's mom smirked at his comment and then pointed to the air conditioner. "I have extra help." Lucas stared at the air for a time that apparently was long enough for the mate to be ready and in front of him. "Lucas" she whispered with a hand on his arm. "I put some Melisa in it, it's a very good herb."

"Ah ... Thank you ..." Lucas tried to say her name but he didn't know.

"Cleo," said "Clotilde for my ex and mother-in-law of the century"

"Thank you, Cleo."

"Since you missed the toast yesterday I saved you food."

"God…. Did I miss Christmas? "

"Lucas don't think about that, the truth is that we don't celebrate so much ... Eliott wanted to be by your side in case you woke up so we didn't do much."

"Sorry, I feel like I'm ruining everything ..." A cloud of thoughts began to cloud Lucas's mind, his heart fluttering at the idea of being a hindrance to them. Tears left his eyes without his permission. Surely his mother felt like that, helpless, a nuisance to everyone. For a second he understood her, understood everything that had happened. But the train of thought was suddenly cut off when the music began to play.

"Eliott told me you like Dyango. What's your favorite song?"

Lucas looked at Cleo with his face full of tears, she seemed not at all affected by the situation, as if she had lived it a thousand times. "I like them all"

"All? Uff that makes it difficult to choose. Well, I'm going to put it on youtube and what comes out first comes out. " Lucas drank the mate, it was sweet and with a flavor that made it perfect, the taste of it reminded him of his eternal afternoons of board games with his mother.

"Sweetheart, what have you done to my heart" Cleo sang as he kneads again. Making cookies in the shape of pigs, rabbits, kittens, and bones.

"Eliott is very lucky to have you."

"Yes, I know. I love him but he's a mess." They both laughed, the sound of Lucas's laughter surprised Cleo who looked at him with bright eyes. "But he is a good boy."

Lucas looked at his mate suddenly blushing. Yes, it was, he thought in anguish. And he was a fucking mess, he didn't deserve to have his life ruined.

“And you are a good boy too. Only both feel things more and ..." Cleo took the thermos and baited Lucas another. "That's fine."

**×**

Lucas's fingers ran through all the things in Eliott's room, he didn't even hesitate to enter when he freed himself from Cleo, together they had made dinner so that when his son returned they could all eat together. Lucas felt that he had to thank her in some way for the things he had done for him. So he made him his favorite food which was vegan tacos.

Eliott could be felt throughout the room, his perfume, his clothes, his photos with friends, he looked so happy in them that Lucas felt healthy envy to see that he had a good and normal life. He had a record player by the window and next to it a large plastic box with various pieces of vinyl, when he began to check his musical taste, Lucas put his hand to his mouth. He was in love with someone who had records by ABBA, Fleetwood Mac, Cher, Roxette, Elvis Presley, Madonna, Michael Jackson… "This must cost a fortune," Lucas whispered. He took the Freddie Mercury record in his hands. "Freddie, but not Queen .. Weird." He put it on the machine and it began to play softly, "The great pretender pfff"

He kept walking looking with special pleasure at the sheets on Eliott's bed, wanting to taste the softness of them on his skin, he closed his eyes trying to remove the ideas that came to his mind until he collided with the chair at his desk. The desk was the classic of a person who spent his time drawing things and people, Lucas observed it in detail while the background song sounded challenging.

There were several notebooks but Lucas was looking for one in particular that he knew he would not expose, this was personal and intimate. He opened one of the drawers, old pencils, "Weird again." Why store used pencils? Lucas was beginning to think that he had a serious problem with attachment to used or old things. He opened the other drawer and found it, the hospital notebook.

"Ok Lucas, this is the moment when you decide what kind of person you are."

He sat down in the chair and with a sigh began to leaf through the notebook that had things so intimate that they made Lucas blush. They were penises, of various sizes, flowers next to them, the lighthouse drawn in such a melancholy way. When he continued there were several blank pages and then. Lucas. His eyes, his nose, his face, his smile, his freckles. his hands. His naked body was drawn to perfection.

Lucas closed the notebook.

“Oh yes, I'm the great pretender. Just laughing and gay like a clown (ooh ooh) I seem to be what I'm not you see. I'm wearing my heart like a crown. Pretending that you're… Pretending that you're still around ”

The song ended and Lucas reopened the notebook, his heart racing and he felt hot. Eliott had drawn it with a precision that looked like a photograph. He remembered the night when he invited him to join him in bed but Eliott preferred to dress him whispering "Not like this, Lucas" the memory flooded his mind and clouded it, he did not even listen when Eliott came in, took out the music and he took the notebook from his hands.

Lucas watched him, felt his cheeks boil and his ears ring. Eliott watched him with eyes full of disappointment and pain. "This is private."  
  
"It's not private if it's me."

"Go away" Eliott turned around hugging his notebook.

"I'm sorry" Lucas got up and ran to the other room, the one they had offered him during his stay, closing the door behind him, dropping to the floor. His heart was racing so fast that he could feel it wanting to come out of his chest.

**×**

He had five pills in his hand, he had stolen them from Eliott, he didn't know why he just took them and put them in his pocket. Why had he done it? Lucas's mind was completely clouded with Eliott's voice telling him to go away, he couldn't breathe, he had so many emotions that he didn't know how to interpret. He didn't know how long he had been sitting there under the window, hiding from the lighthouse. He didn't want her to see him like that. Someone knocked on the door but he couldn't move. The door opened and it was Eliott. He ran up to him and knocked the pills out of him without Lucas being able to help it.

“Where did you get them from? How many did you take? " He was holding his face tightly, focusing on the reaction of her pupils. "Lucas answer me"

"I did not take any."

"Do not lie to me."

"I don't ..." Lucas's voice sounded cracked, cracked as he felt. Failed. Useless. A garbage bag.

Eliott dropped to the floor next to him, hugging him tightly. "Sorry, sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you." Lucas didn't understand why he cried but he just did. "Everything will be fine, I promise you, Lucas, everything will be fine."

Eliott stayed in the same position until Lucas stopped crying. Caressing his shoulder and nape with his fingers, making small circles like soothing that generated in Lucas a peace that he had not felt in a long time. "I ruined dinner"

"The dreams that are in me and all my illusions are gone" Eliott's voice was so calm. “And if loving you like that, it was my biggest mistake. Punish me to live, paying with my love. "

Lucas pursed his lips, he didn't want to laugh "Are you communicating with Dyango?"

"But it's better to want and then lose." Eliott began to sing louder but with the same tenderness, Lucas watched him. “Than never have wanted. Wherever you are, I will remember you and you will be with me "they both observed each other for a few eternal seconds. "BUT IT'S BETTER TO WANT AND THEN LOSE" Eliott began to scream, squeezing Lucas. He covered his ears trying to slip away. "THAN NEVER HAVE WANTED"

"HELP!" Lucas yelled as he laughed, one of the most beautiful sounds Eliott had ever heard, Lucas's laugh.

"WHEREVER YOU ARE" Eliott hid the cry in Lucas's neck, he felt his whole body tremble. "I will remember you," he said climbing up his neck to his ear "And you will be with me." He whispered in her ear.

Lucas slightly turned his head to look at Eliott's face. He wanted to kiss him in that fucking instant. Eat his mouth and lock him in that room, show him the difference between drawing and reality.

"Why are the two of you lying on the floor and screaming? Food gets cold. "

"Mom, they are tacos," Eliott said without leaving Lucas.

His mom observed them both: “Vegetables are hot Eliott. Now, stop playing, and let's go. " She turned on her heel and left the room.

Lucas saw how Eliott got up and with a nimble movement, he pulled him and lifted him in the same way. Lucas accidentally stepped on one of the pills, Eliott saw that and kicked them under the bed. "Today you sleep with me." Lucas was going to tell him, no but, he didn't. Eliott smiled at him, took his hand, and dragged him down the stairs to go to dinner.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and like always, please tell me if there is any mistake in the translation.  
> You can find me on Tumblr: @ Tooyoungtobefaithless or on IG: @ Tiramisuconletras


	9. Nueve

Eliott's arms were so heavy, Lucas thought, as his heart adored being like this. He felt dizzy as if he had crossed a line and where he was now was impossible to determine what kind of ground is under his feet. Is it rocks? It's not smooth. Is it quicksand? He shuddered to feel distant, something that used to happen to him as a child. When he had a fever, he would tell his mother "I see things far away" as if he were small and everything else was unattainable.

Eliott tightened his hug, drawing Lucas's back to his chest, the heat bringing him back to reality, where he slept soundly in a bed next to his neighbor. He was no longer at his mother's house. He could feel Eliott's relaxed heartbeat and now he wanted to kiss him. His heart raced just thinking about it.

Eliott's lips kissed the back of his neck "Shh, sleep" his breath against his skin. Torture. "Stop thinking."

"It's a bit impossible." Lucas wanted to add: "If I have you stuck to me like this" but he did not.

"It isn't, rest Lucas."

Lucas tried to think of other things and finally trying to think of what to think, he fell asleep. The sleeping pill may have had a lot to do with it.

** × **

"Are you just going to tell me that Lucas?"

The psychiatrist carefully observed Lucas over his glasses, clearly, he had spoken to everyone before him. Lucas looked out the window, it took three days for him to call him to attend his session at the hospital, he had clearly done some research and knew more about him than he did.

"It was a mistake, there is nothing more to say." He wanted to go back to bed next to Eliott.

"I went to your mom's house." Lucas closed his eyes just thinking that someone had touched his things. “You arrived almost a month ago and the house remains the same. As if nobody lives in there. Eliott told me you didn't even bring clothes. "

"If you want to say something, say it, don't think so much."

The man turned his gaze to where Lucas was looking. “It's not bad that you say that you came to die and then you regretted it, Lucas. Many people regret wanting to commit suicide "

"Well, I got to do it." The man gave a laugh full of pity for him, or at least that's how Lucas felt that he looked at him badly. "I tried." clarify.

"And are you proud of that?"

"This is stupid."

"No, it is not. Eliott told me you tried to do it again. "

"Lie." Well maybe, now he didn't want to see Eliott so much.

"Eliott doesn't lie."

"Well, it will start now." Surely that was why Eliott was so nice, he had betrayed him to the psychiatrist.

"Lucas…"

"I don't want to be here." Lucas shifted in the chair.

"Why not?"

"Because all of you are shit and I am not interested in wasting time talking to someone like you."

"Mmm… Is it because of your mom?"

Lucas got up and walked to the window. “A fucking mistake and they already crucify you and add you to their fucking lists of worthless people. Hanging the poster around your neck of a stigma that will follow you for the rest of your fucking miserable life. What the hell to survive for? "

"For love?" Lucas didn't answer him. "For the good food?"

"I want to die." Lucas put his hands to his head, hating to have gone to that place, to that date that he was forced to go.

“No, you don't want Lucas. You called 911 and didn't take the pills when you could. You don't want to die. "

"You don't know what the fuck I want."

"It's okay for you to be angry." Lucas began to cry, again emotions flooded him. “It's okay for you to cry. You have to bring out all that you feel, I don't want you to hurt yourself, I want you to talk to me, Lucas. "

**×**

"Today a strong storm is forecast. Have you already seen a storm here?" Cleo spoke to him but Lucas felt exhausted. As if all of his energy had been drained from pretending 90% of the session that everything was fine and the other 10% crying.

"Yes, they are wild" he replied.

"When Eliott had his crises." She began to count. “He didn't talk to me for hours, he locked himself in his room and went to sleep, of course, I got scared and talked to the doctor. He told me that it was normal for Eliott to feel this way because the more exhausted they will be the more they will understand the importance of talking, it was the price to close. And that's when I understood when I saw him go out and talk to me the whole trip and do things with me during the day. That things were going to be fine. "

"Did you suffer many crises?"

Cleo stopped at a traffic light, one of the few in town. “Eliott was a good friend of your mom, Lucas. He adored her.” Lucas looked out the window to avoid Cleo's sudden gaze. "When he found her dead, his world fell apart."

Lucas looked at Cleo. "Did Eliott find Mom?"

"Yes." Cleo made a face. "Eliott was very depressed and thanks to Philip he was able to get ahead."

"Who?" Lucas looked at her strangely. Had Eliott been with someone?

"Lucas ... It's the name of the psychiatrist you just saw" The woman gave an amused laugh. "You are a mess with names."

"Yes ... I have a bad memory," Lucas said more relieved.

"I hope they let my baby out sooner, I don't want him to get wet and catch a cold."

"What are we going to cook for him?"

Cleo looked at Lucas and smiled "Whatever you like Lucas."

"Spaghetti with a vegetable stir fry."

** × **

Eliott arrived right in the middle of the storm, but someone luckily had brought him home and he only had his shirt and his hair a little wet. He ran into the house and went straight to his room. Lucas watched the whole journey as did his mother who went after him to clean the floor. He didn't even ask what he had for dinner... That made his ego hurt a bit, after all, he had betrayed him, he shouldn't make him dinner, he would have to be angry...

**×**

"When I got to this place and we met on the beach" Lucas began to speak from the doorframe and waited for Eliott to observe him. "You told me you were going to buy me a beer so I grabbed a couple from your fridge and ..." Lucas moves them proving that he has them in his hand. "They are already open, you can't say no to me."

Eliott smiled as he ran the towel through his hair with the dry shirt already on. He put the towel on the desk chair and reached out to find himself in the path between Lucas and the bottle of beer. "How was the doctor?"

"Let's make a toast." Lucas raised the bottle and Eliott imitated it. "For the betrayals" he hit his beer loudly and took a long sip.

Eliott observed him "What?"

"Maybe that's why you're all wet, the universe punished you."

Eliott narrowed his eyes and then raised his bottle. "The universe"

"Yes ..." Lucas looked at the floor. Was he wanting to fight Eliott?

"Well ... I'm going to take a hot shower." He handed Lucas the bottle. "Afterwards, we continue."

"You're not so wet that you have to recover ..."

"God Lucas." Eliott interrupted "I worked all day, I want to bathe, leave it there."

And he left. Lucas kept the two beers in hand.

Wounded and offended. Lucas had cooked for him despite the betrayal, and he was mistreating him anyway. Who the fuck did he think he was? A string of emotions began to rumble incoherent phrases in his mind. Lucas entered the guest room and dressed in his clothes, pulling Eliott's clothes off and throwing them on the floor. Who did he think he was? He didn't need it. He came down the stairs and he found Cleo.

"Lucas what ... Where are you going? It's raining…"

"I'm not hungry, I'm going home."

Cleo was speechless but did not stop him, Lucas opened the door and went to the house, he walked through the sand with difficulty, when it was wet it was hard, but if you stomped on your feet, they would sink, and Lucas was stepping on it angrily, even he couldn't understand why but he felt it on the surface.

He opened the door at the back of the house, going straight into the kitchen, which for some reason was clean, that gave him much more anger, surely it had been Eliott. He yelled loudly in anger and began to remove all his clothes. He could not be even a second dressed he yelled several more times "FUCKING ELIOTT" Why did he have to get into his life like that? Why did everyone get into his life?

He stood still, naked, staring at his feet.

Nothing.

Just the sound of rain and lightning falling nearby, faster than sound. He walked to the room and slowly climbing onto the bed, he fell on it, covering himself with the blanket at the same time, looking towards the door.

Waiting for him.

Waiting for Eliott.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and like always, please tell me if there is any mistake in the translation.  
> You can find me on Tumblr: @ Tooyoungtobefaithless or on IG: @ Tiramisuconletras


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